Terrible Jokes Thread

[happydaze]

No, it's when you rustle sheep...

Or Russell Crowe?

 

[midlifecrisis]

Or Russell Crowe?

Two Crows is attempted murder.

 

[midlifecrisis]

This is my step ladder.

I never knew my real ladder...

 

[midlifecrisis]

An law abiding Irish traveller decides that he needs to pass a driving test. On the day of the test, the examiner asks him the usual questions about car maintenance, braking distances etc. He then points to a road sign and asks our traveller friend 'What is that sign over there'.

'Aluminium'. Was the response.

 

[Felonious Crud]

View attachment 96544

This is my step ladder.

I never knew my real ladder...

See post 1016.

 

[Gazcw]

An law abiding Irish traveller decides that he needs to pass a driving test. On the day of the test, the examiner asks him the usual questions about car maintenance, braking distances etc. He then points to a road sign and asks our traveller friend 'What is that sign over there'.

'Aluminium'. Was the response.

I thought you were going down the 'about 3 quid' route

 

[Nibby]

 

[philw696]

 

[Gazcw]

 

[Gazcw]

And this is why I will never go vegan!

 

[HenrysDad]

Good News! My wife has bought a Bugatti!

Bad News; It's a bloody toaster. This would be funny if it weren't true.

 

[midlifecrisis]

If Boba Fett’s armour was stainless steel...
he would be a ManDelorean

 

[CatmanV2]

Sergeant to Private Jones: " I didn't see you on camouflage parade this morning, Jones!"
Private Jones: "Thank you, Sir!"

C

 

[Gazcw]

 

[Nibby]

Went to the second hand record shop and bought an LP called ‘Sounds Wasp Make’. Took it home, put it on the record player and started listening, it didn’t sound anything like wasps then I realised I was playing the Bee side.

 

[midlifecrisis]

Saw the worst mind reader ever last night..
Mind reader: "Think of a card, any card."
Me: "OK"
Mind reader: "Visualize it in your mind."
Me: "OK"
Mind reader: "Is it the Nine of Clubs?"
Me: "No"
Mind reader: "Ace of spades?"
Me: "No"
Mind reader: "What is it then?"
Me: "Happy Birthday"...

 

[P5Nij]

Sergeant to Private Jones: " I didn't see you on camouflage parade this morning, Jones!"
Private Jones: "Thank you, Sir!"

C

Slightly related trivia alert - my Grandad lived five doors down from Clive Dunn in Barnes

 

[MarkMas]

I'm in hot water with my wife.
I went shopping and paid five grand
for a jacuzzi.

 

[Nibby]

Paddy tells his wife "My bumhole is really burning, I've no idea what it is?"
"Ring sting" his wife says
Paddy replied " How the Fcuk would he know?"

 

[UlstermanAbroad]

Scientists have discovered another variant of Covid. Where marmalade seeps out of your pores.
They've said not to worry. Because they're confident that they can control the spread.