Terrible Jokes Thread

[Andyk]

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

 

[Andyk]

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

 

[philw696]

On a roll there Andy
Don't give up the day job though.

 

[Andyk]

When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it...

 

[Andyk]

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

 

[Andyk]

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

 

[Andyk]

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue and I couldn't put it down.

 

[Andyk]

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.

 

[Andyk]

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.

 

[Andyk]

Here’s a picture of me with REM. That’s me in the corner.”

 

[Andyk]

“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”

 

[Andyk]

“I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.”

 

[Andyk]

“My grandfather invented the cold air balloon but it never really took off.”

 

[Andyk]

“Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.”

 

[Andyk]

A man walked into the doctor’s. He said, ‘I’ve hurt my arm in several places.’ The doctor said, ‘Well don’t go there any more.'

 

[Andyk]

“I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning… that can keep me awake for days.”

 

[Andyk]

“As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.”

 

[philw696]

Working from home aye ?

 

[Andyk]

“Conjunctivitis.com – there’s a site for sore eyes.”

 

[Andyk]

“Exit signs? They’re on the way out!”